Tuesday, October 14, 2008

God's Timing is Perfect

I am so tired tonight. I told myself I would not look at ratemyspace.com or facebook, I would not look at house stuff, and I would not blog. Well, I have done all! I was loading the dishwasher just then and began thinking about my friends Katie and Molly who both have new baby boys, my friend Holly who is pregnant and doing it without me this time:), my friend Sarah who is pregnant, the girls at work who are pregnant and my other friends who are pregnant. The list really could get long. I then began thinking of my family members and friends who are unsuccessfully trying to get pregnant, and my friends who are wanting to start a family, but have decided the timings not right. I thought about my journey and all I went through. I thought about the websites I visited, the google searches I made, and the blogs I read. I remember the tears, anger, the questions for God, and the feelings of worthlessness that I felt. You would think two years later and a beautiful little girl, I would be over it. Well, I don't think it is something you ever get over! Unless you have been there you don't understand. I guess that is why I felt pulled to write this. Who knows who may be searching and come across this blog, read it and feel somewhat normal for how they are feeling. I use the term "normal" loosely. I don't know if my emotions were normal, but it is how I felt.

So here is my story...

Grant and I had tried to get pregnant for about a year and a half. I called my GYN and he said to give it a couple more months because I had gotten back on BC for 3 months when I switched jobs. He was going by the date of getting off BC that time and it had "only" been about 10 1/2 months. He said to wait a year and then we would talk. I got pregnant that month. I waited the 3 weeks to go to the scheduled appt. I went to a new dr. because I was living in Benton and didn't want to drive to Hot Springs. He debated on doing a ultrasound and I begged for one. No heartbeat could be seen. He assured me I could be just too early, but recommended blood work. Two days later he called me to tell me my levels were very low and I could probably expect a miscarriage. I was devastated. It was Memorial Day weekend. It began to happen on Sat. and I had to wait until Tues to go to the dr. I am glad we knew to expect it, and didn't go to the hospital. It was confirmed on that Tues. I was devastated. My world had gone from absolute joy, to the lowest of lows. It was funny how Grant and I switched rolls. I would have an OK moment and be able to talk to someone, then I would crash and Grant would be the strong one. I was told to wait the 3 months, and then possibly look at medication. So here are some of the things I experienced during all this...many even before the miscarriage. If you have not gone through this, please don't judge me. I am a nice person. A hormonal sad person is not nice.

I did not want to go to baby showers.

I did not want to buy baby shower gifts. I was happy for others, don't get me wrong, it was just painful thinking I might not ever be in their place.

I didn't always have happy thoughts when I saw pregnant women.

I was jealous of pregnant women.

I was mad. Don't really know at who, but I was mad.

I questioned God. I didn't loose faith. I just didn't understand.

I felt like I was failing Grant.

I thought I was failing Grant's family and mine.

I was embarrassed and didn't want others to know.

I wanted to talk about it with everyone.

I didn't want to get preached to.

I wanted God to answer my prayers.

I cried at church, home, in my car, in bed, when I was taking a shower, etc.

I was fine for several days, then would crash again.

So do not feel guilty about how you are feeling. It is OK, and normal.

So 3 months later I went to a different dr. He had just started at this clinic. I loved him! He respected my online "infertility degree" and listened to me. He actually agreed with me, too!

Perfect timing!

He prescribed Clomid for me to take.

I prayed over that first pill. God's will be done!

Perfect timing!

I got pregnant that first month!

Perfect timing!

Addison was born on July 13!

Perfect timing!

If you know anything about becoming pregnant you know how difficult it really is for everything to work just right. It all has to be perfect timing!

I am not going to preach because if you are having trouble conceiving, you have heard it all. I just want to stress the fact that God's timing is perfect. It is never early, never late, just perfect! Think about it. Pray for His perfect timing! I am praying for that for you!


Sarah said...

Beautiful...and beautifully written. And so incredibly true.

(Will you send me the Guideposts e mail again?)

Danya said...

Thank you for your blog, Gina! It is very comforting to read. I'm sure others are thankful to know all you have been through, and to know there is a beautiful light at the end of a dark tunnel.

Laura Sharpe said...

Ever since you told me about your blog, I've been looking for it to read this one in particular. However, I didn't figure out how to get to it until tonight. Th part where you talk about not wanting to attend showers, buy gifts, be around other pregnant women, etc. is exactly where I am right now. Thanks for the encouraging words.