I am so tired tonight. I told myself I would not look at ratemyspace.com or facebook, I would not look at house stuff, and I would not blog. Well, I have done all! I was loading the dishwasher just then and began thinking about my friends Katie and Molly who both have new baby boys, my friend Holly who is pregnant and doing it without me this time:), my friend Sarah who is pregnant, the girls at work who are pregnant and my other friends who are pregnant. The list really could get long. I then began thinking of my family members and friends who are unsuccessfully trying to get pregnant, and my friends who are wanting to start a family, but have decided the timings not right. I thought about my journey and all I went through. I thought about the websites I visited, the google searches I made, and the blogs I read. I remember the tears, anger, the questions for God, and the feelings of worthlessness that I felt. You would think two years later and a beautiful little girl, I would be over it. Well, I don't think it is something you ever get over! Unless you have been there you don't understand. I guess that is why I felt pulled to write this. Who knows who may be searching and come across this blog, read it and feel somewhat normal for how they are feeling. I use the term "normal" loosely. I don't know if my emotions were normal, but it is how I felt.
So here is my story...
Grant and I had tried to get pregnant for about a year and a half. I called my GYN and he said to give it a couple more months because I had gotten back on BC for 3 months when I switched jobs. He was going by the date of getting off BC that time and it had "only" been about 10 1/2 months. He said to wait a year and then we would talk. I got pregnant that month. I waited the 3 weeks to go to the scheduled appt. I went to a new dr. because I was living in Benton and didn't want to drive to Hot Springs. He debated on doing a ultrasound and I begged for one. No heartbeat could be seen. He assured me I could be just too early, but recommended blood work. Two days later he called me to tell me my levels were very low and I could probably expect a miscarriage. I was devastated. It was Memorial Day weekend. It began to happen on Sat. and I had to wait until Tues to go to the dr. I am glad we knew to expect it, and didn't go to the hospital. It was confirmed on that Tues. I was devastated. My world had gone from absolute joy, to the lowest of lows. It was funny how Grant and I switched rolls. I would have an OK moment and be able to talk to someone, then I would crash and Grant would be the strong one. I was told to wait the 3 months, and then possibly look at medication. So here are some of the things I experienced during all this...many even before the miscarriage. If you have not gone through this, please don't judge me. I am a nice person. A hormonal sad person is not nice.
I did not want to go to baby showers.
I did not want to buy baby shower gifts. I was happy for others, don't get me wrong, it was just painful thinking I might not ever be in their place.
I didn't always have happy thoughts when I saw pregnant women.
I was jealous of pregnant women.
I was mad. Don't really know at who, but I was mad.
I questioned God. I didn't loose faith. I just didn't understand.
I felt like I was failing Grant.
I thought I was failing Grant's family and mine.
I was embarrassed and didn't want others to know.
I wanted to talk about it with everyone.
I didn't want to get preached to.
I wanted God to answer my prayers.
I cried at church, home, in my car, in bed, when I was taking a shower, etc.
I was fine for several days, then would crash again.
So do not feel guilty about how you are feeling. It is OK, and normal.
So 3 months later I went to a different dr. He had just started at this clinic. I loved him! He respected my online "infertility degree" and listened to me. He actually agreed with me, too!
Perfect timing!
He prescribed Clomid for me to take.
I prayed over that first pill. God's will be done!
Perfect timing!
I got pregnant that first month!
Perfect timing!
Addison was born on July 13!
Perfect timing!
If you know anything about becoming pregnant you know how difficult it really is for everything to work just right. It all has to be perfect timing!
I am not going to preach because if you are having trouble conceiving, you have heard it all. I just want to stress the fact that God's timing is perfect. It is never early, never late, just perfect! Think about it. Pray for His perfect timing! I am praying for that for you!
Showing off her wings!
Addison really has this "cheese" thing down!
Getting ready for a "flight"
The zoo was really decorated. There were these large lights throughout the whole zoo.
This ghost was by the line for the train. We bought tickets to ride the train. Then we were told one of the trains had broken down on the track and it would be a little while b/f the trains were able to go again. We decided to walk around and got some lemonade! Addison had to potty, and when we got out of the bathroom, we noticed the train was loading again. We went right in, but barely missed getting on the train. We would have to wait until the next train. The man taking up tickets had his face painted. Addison said she was "scared of man". I was holding her and thought she was OK, but then she started saying she needed to poo poo. I said if we go poo poo we can't ride the train. This has become a game with her. If she is tired of waiting or doing something, she uses the poo poo excuse. She had already gone so I was pretty sure she really didn't need to go. She insisted! So we went. I got her on the potty, and she said again "I scared of man!" I felt sooo bad. She didn't go poop and we decided not to get back in the looong line. Instead we rode the carousal. She loved riding the "horses." Overall, it was fun! Next time we will be a little more prepared aka bring more cash!!!
